Bright light city's gonna set my soul
Gonna set my soul on fire
I got a whole lot of money that's ready to burn
So get those stakes up higher
I'm gonna give it everything I got
Lady Luck, please, let the dice stay hot
Let me shoot a seven with every shot
Hey, viva Las Vegas
Viva Las Vegas
Viva Viva
Las Vegas
Hey, check her out. That is one sexy leopard.
Hey, baby! Yeah, you. You're looking good, baby. I'm seeing spots!
- Hey, here comes that Debra chick. - I hear she is wild.
The elephant? You're into that?
Come on, you never had the "pinned in the lake" fantasy?
I'm here at the water's edge getting a drink. Whoops!
I slipped. Or did I?
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. The compound is a madhouse.
All the animals are trying to catch a glimpse of Donkey.
Donkey from Shrek?
He's in town shooting a commercial for a Japanese SUV.
Donkey? Please. He's no actor. He's got one move.
You want to hang out with goofy green guy. Show us why.
Make me feel something. Feh!
That's right. Run, you little wussies.
I've never seen Sal this mad.
He's on the roof. Try to escape. Go! Go!
What's going on?
Billy came to school without his protection money.
He put us all in jeopardy.
Don't worry. I'll talk to that bully's mother.
Great idea, Mom. He'll never get beaten for that.
I'm looking forward to career day at your school.
Can't wait to tell all your friends about what I do.
- You don't have to come. - Hunter, what's the matter?
Why don't you want Daddy to come to school?
You see, in his class, Hunter's teetering on the cusp of loserdom.
His current survival strategy is to fly under the radar.
Or draw the cool kids' attention and risk a hot tail.
What's that?
"Hot tail" is when we used to light a match under a guy's tail.
We did it a lot, but somehow it was always fresh.
Yeah, well, in his class, Hunter is that kid.
If he does anything,
if he enjoys his lunch too much, he gets a hot tail.
- How can they tell? - We can tell.
So, Dad, what I'm saying about career day is,
maybe you could just forget about it, like you do with everything else.
I could... Or I could come to your school, be awesome, and make you proud.
Great.
Classic.
Hello, Vegas Strip! Hello, Wunderfolk!
It is hello from Roy.
Oh, mein Gott, stop the car!
What is this monstrosity doing here?
What happened to our favorite Applebee's?
It has been destroyed
to reveal this horrifically charming slice of Americana.
This eyesore is appalling.
- Where is the neon? - Where's the reassuring corporate logo?
Where is the African-American performer palatable to middle America,
such as Dionne Warwick or Lou Rawls?
These small businesses will destroy our way of life.
Even the name sounds sinister.
"Grandma Wilson's Bed Und Breakfast."
This is wrong and we must stop it.
Not just to have something to do during the day, but to save the city we love.
So, in conclusion, pick a career that suits you.
Blake, there's someone here who wants to see you.
- His name is the MGM Lion. - Your dad knows the MGM Lion?
And my mom knows Tony the Tiger. She took a nap with him.
Sorry to interrupt. Just wanted to say hi to my good buddy Blake.
And tell you all...
MGM Lion! MGM Lion!
So, my friend, what have you been up to?
Well, I watched a movie last night and saw myself.
Unfortunately, class, we have to say goodbye to Blake.
I know. I know. But we asked these other parents to come.
So let's just tough this out.
So long, kids.
Follow that.
- Now, here's Larry. - Hiya, kids. I'm Hunter's dad.
- When does it end? - And,
I'm the lead lion in the Siegfried and Roy Magic Show.
I thought I'd take you on a personally guided tour through my exciting day.
A backstage pass to big-time Vegas extravaganza.
Do you know any celebrities like Blake does?
- Sure. Of course. - Like who?
Well, I guess you might say...
Next parent. Next parent.
Next parent! Next parent!
Donkey! I know Donkey.
- You know Donkey? - Yeah.
I don't like to brag about it, but he's a close personal pal of mine.
- Wow, that's awesome. - My dad knows the MGM Lion.
Shut up! Do you and Donkey ever high-five?
Once in a while. When you've done it as much as I have, it gets kind of old.
Usually, I just go Donkey.
Could you get Donkey to visit our class?
- Visit the class? - He's in town shooting a commercial.
Yeah, Dad, and since you're such good friends,
it would be really easy for you to bring him, like Blake brought the MGM Lion.
Hold on!
I'm sure your teacher wouldn't want class disrupted.
My God, Donkey's coming! He's so hot!
Okay, I'll talk to Donkey and bring him by tomorrow.
His dad knows Donkey! His dad knows Donkey!
How could you have said that?
I don't know. They were hating me.
I felt like a writer accepting an Academy Award.
Donkey? Why didn't you just promise them Justin Timberlake?
Is he into dudes? What's going on there?
You should've seen Hunter's eyes. He was pleading with me not to let him down.
I couldn't do that to him.
Larry, you have to tell Hunter the truth.
- Hunter, no! - That's right. Come on, you wussies!
Look at him. He's torturing weaker kids. I can't take that away from him.
Eventually they're going to find out that his dad doesn't know Donkey.
Wait a minute. Maybe I can do this.
Donkey's staying at the Mirage.
All I have to do is get to him, make my case,
convince him to come to school and pretend to be my friend. A perfect plan!
You couldn't have gone out with the Lowicki kid?
He beat his drinking problem, you know.
- Hello. - Yes, he's right. Hello.
- You boys looking for a room? - We'd like to file a complaint.
- Who's your parent company? - What corporation owns you?
Westin? Marriott? Perhaps Disney?
Bless your heart, no, it's just little old me.
I opened this B and B with my retirement money.
This is not plastic with a flickering filament.
Can I get you boys anything. A slice of my home-made pecan pie?
Nein, danke.
In fact, on behalf of the Las Vegas Historical Society,
we demand air conditioning, a Wendy's with Krispy Kreme donuts,
and machines that people can put their life savings into
one quarter at a time.
My, you boys sure do say a lot of words in a row.
If no change is made, we will be forced to stage a protest.
Okay, then, but before you go,
are you sure there's nothing I can get for you boys?
- We've got home-made ice-cream. - With real chocolate chips?
- Don't fall for it, Siggy. - She smells of cinnamon.
Back! We won't fall under your spell, succubus!
Oh, mein Gott! You have saved me once again, Roy.
You have not heard the last of us, decrepit spellbinder!
Oh, my God, it's him, it's Donkey!
Looking good, Vegas! Power walking three times a week.
Don't forget to floss for that killer smile.
Back, freaks! This guy made 15 million for Shrek 2.
And a piece of the domestic gross.
Under audit if Dreamworks will open the books.
- Security's tight. - Don't worry. I'll distract 'em.
We should take the word "God" out of the pledge of allegiance.
My country, right or wrong. Love it or leave it.
Hi, I'm Larry, star of the whole Siegfried and Roy thing.
Big fan. Waffles? Hilarious.
I need you to visit my kid's school for five minutes.
You're in, you're out. It would mean the world to 'em.
Anything for a kid. Just talk to my manager. She'll set the time.
Hi, Larry, star of the whole Siegfried and Roy thing.
Donkey told me to set up a time for him to come to my kid's school.
Not gonna happen.
I talked to your manager. Seems like a lovely woman,
but she was not that receptive.
And it's really important. My kid loves you.
The kids love Donkey.
Tell her this is top priority. Tell her I said to make it a code green.
Got it.
Hi. Me again. By the way, great nipples.
I talked to Donkey. He wants this to be a top priority. Code green.
Not gonna happen.
Okay, I feel like I'm getting jerked around a little bit here.
Let me tell you about my life, okay, babe?
Every day a million people ask, "Will you come to my birthday party?"
"Donkey, can my big fat cousin ride you?"
"Can I shave you and then rub soothing aloe on your painful bumps?"
I'd love to say yes to all my fans, but if I did, I'd have no life.
That's why I have the pig manager to say no because saying no makes me sad.
Especially to children.
When their lips start quivering and they make that sound.
You know, that little children sound that they....
Don't let 'em cry, Larry. I just can't take it anymore.
I can't take it. Stop crying, you crazy little angel.
Look, Hunter's having a really hard time at school. He's a bit of a geek.
Don't you think I had a hard time? Look at me.
Don't you know how many times I had to hear, "Donkey is an ass"?
All right, they're synonyms. I hate synonyms, Larry.
Though I do love parfaits. Do you like parfaits?
- But... - No buts. I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can do.
But let your kid know that Shrek 3 is coming out in 2006.
The Mom and Pop menace is threatening the fabric of our garish community.
We will stand by and let Las Vegas become the next Small Town USA.
I've got your Main Street right here.
Now, we will shout angry things, to which you will reply "Ja!"
Ja!
Grandma Wilson, we don't want to know our neighbors names!
Right, short, fat, bald guy and lady with face problem?
We already have a town square,
and that is William Bennett when he comes to gamble.
If we must have a hoedown,
let it be a hooker who has stumbled!
Oh, you boys brought the whole gang over.
Would anyone like some lemonade?
But we are protesting against your establishment.
- Ain't that something. - Ja, und get ready for more, old lady.
- First, I need to find a bathroom. - You can use my bathroom, sweetheart.
How can you have restroom use for non-customers?
It's just the way we do things around here.
I give up. You can't fight that. She is too strong.
We're finished. Look at me. Even I'm taking a load off.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I am the only man who can save the city we love.
- Aren't you a nice boy. - I thought you might like that.
- So, I'll see you again, Tuesday? - Not so fast.
If you want another slice of Siegfried pie,
there are going to have to be some changes around here.
Well, I better tell Hunter the truth. God, he's gonna hate me.
There he is. With all those kids wearing cones. Hunter's got a crew.
I'm hungry. Let's get some food.
I mean, Hunter, do you want to get some food?
- I'm not hungry. - Stupid.
I was just kidding. I'm not even hungry.
We asked our dad, and he said your dad doesn't even know Donkey.
- He's full of it. - My dad wouldn't lie.
He's awesome. If he says he knows Donkey, then he knows Donkey.
This is a nightmare. He totally believes me.
If I'd been that gullible when I was his age,
I'd be sitting in a basement
waiting for someone to throw me a chicken.
Well, well, as much as I enjoy watching you flounder in your own stink,
for the good of my grandson, I'm gonna bail you out.
What can you do? Donkey's already said no.
There's asking and then there's asking.
And then there's asking?
No, there's just asking and then there's asking.
How do you not know that?
Are you sure this is Donkey's villa?
Positive. Shh. Here he comes. Remember, like we practiced.
- Nice day. - Top of the morning.
What a baby might say.
Grab him!
Okay, so we got him. How are we gonna convince him to go to the class?
My claws are sharp. His face is pretty.
- We'll work it out. - Sounds good.
Rodent, don't speak after I speak. Just sit there and carry disease.
Well, here goes.
Oh, thank God.
It was hotter in there than free Tabasco night in a Ricky Martin concert.
- Why are you talking like that? - I'm upset. I was about to pass out.
Though your duct tape did just wax my moustache to a silky sheen. Thanks.
Are you Donkey?
If I were, would I be living behind a gas station
with Manuel, a Puerto Rican goat?
Enough of your riddles! Are you Donkey?
No, I am not Donkey. I am, however, his more talented stunt double.
And you've kidnapped the wrong jackass, jackass.
- What are we gonna do now? - I know this great after hours club.
But you have to be skinny.
I mean about getting the wrong Donkey.
- We have to be in class in an hour. - That is a problem.
Donkey's on the set of his commercial.
How could we have been so stupid.
Although, you do look exactly like Donkey.
If we couldn't tell the difference between Donkey and this guy...
Then maybe they're related.
I'll bet they've got the same daddy.
The kids won't know the difference either.
We could just bring him to the class.
And why should I help you?
How would you like to perform in front of a live audience?
You can't talk, but you can dance, do stunts,
and finally get that chance to be the star you were meant to be.
I'll do it! Buddy hugs.
I could just lose myself in your chest.
Where is that stunt donkey?
You better find him 'cause I ain't getting in that SUV. They roll over.
Consumer Reports, July 2004. Check it out.
You won't eat hot dogs again, either. Where is that stunt donkey?
If he's at that skinny club with that Manuel, I'm gonna be pissed.
- Better, ja? - Ja.
That festering boil on the face of our fair city is gone forever.
Siegfried, our entire city owes you a debt of gratitude.
You have saved Las Vegas.
I did what I had to do. I'm just glad it's behind me.
I need to catch up with Lou Rawls. I'll be back in an hour.
- Kids, are you ready to meet Donkey? - Yeah!
Now, he's got laryngitis, so he can't speak, but he's real excited to be here.
Please welcome the world famous Hollywood movie sensation,
and my good friend, Donkey!
It's really Donkey.
Wrap it up.
Thank you, you're too kind.
And now I'm gonna do some of my scenes for you all. Check it out.
lndy, watch out for that Temple of Doom!
Nothing my bull whip can't handle. Then it's the fight scene.
Moving into Beyoncé... Baby boy, you stay on my mind
Fulfill my fantasies. Oh, yes.
You're not Donkey. You're an imposter.
Hunter's dad is evil. He played with our dreams.
Enough! I admit, he isn't the real Donkey.
But this guy came here and tapped his little heart out.
We live in troubled times.
There's a lot of bad stuff that could happen to any of us.
But for a few moments,
he helped us remember that there's still some good in this world.
Boo! This sucks!
I just wet myself!
Class dismissed. So we can all get over how lame that was.
I'm sorry, buddy, I was really trying to help you out.
Jermeece!
- Flaky drama queen, where is he? - Your dad doesn't know Donkey.
Your dad's a big, fat liar.
Cone head! Cone head! Brace face! Brace face!
Okay, knock it off now. Don't take it out on Hunter.
- The truth is... - Hi, everybody.
That's right. Put your eyeballs back. It's really me.
See, I promised my buddy Larry I'd visit the class,
but I thought I couldn't make it, so I sent my stunt double.
- Sorry for the confusion, Larry. - No problem, Donkey.
Don't do that.
Okay, kids, this has been a real treat for you.
But I got to get back for the SUV commercial.
The new Rockmonster from Sundaki! Mountain, rook out!
- Yay, gas-guzzler! - Awesome!
Larry, you're crazy, but you're all right.
Next time you're in L.A., come by my house.
We'll shoot some pool, watch my big screen and climb my rock wall.
- That sounds great. - Not gonna happen.
Your people killed Mama Cass!
She was a singer that choked on a ham sandwich.
So you being friends with Donkey was just a lie?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
It's okay. Thanks, Dad.
- Guess you don't know any celebrities? - That's not true.
- I know Justin Timberlake. - Justin Timberlake!
Mother!
Yeah, Jermeece, right.
I like what you did, but I'm still not feeling my love for the Rockmonster.
Donkey loves when the boulders hit you. He don't feel no pain.
And keep your eyes open. You make me look squinty.
I think I broke my shin.
Terrific! Let's do one more take for safety.
Man, these shoots are exhausting.
Son of a...!